Herewith please find my perfectly sound bid to buy TikTok
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Dear investors readers
In response to recent rumours, started by me, that I’m in talks to purchase the US operations of TikTok, I’d like to clarify. I am indeed interested in buying the hip, viral, short-video service. I’d also like to fly to Mars, cure cancer, or climb Mount Everest. Just as with my bid for TikTok, I have no intention of doing so.
However, I have “held talks” with TikTok. By which I mean I tweeted at them. They didn’t reply.
Despite the fact that I have no money, no operational experience, no management team and even this actual letter being satire, I believe that I now ought to be name-checked alongside Microsoft, Twitter, Reliance Industries and Oracle.
And while I am not American, I am fully qualified to own and operate TikTok’s US business by virtue of me satisfying President Donald Trump’s key criterion: not being Chinese.
My reasons for making this faux bid are as sound and logical as some of the real ones by my rival suitors, so hear me out.
First, I have the technical qualifications. Because I not only studied some Java but have even written code in C (malloc that, Microsoft), I am perfectly qualified to manage and analyse millions of lines of code to ensure no nefarious algorithms are embedded within.
Having taken Andrew Ng’s “machine learning” class on Coursera, I am now fully adept at running an advanced artificial intelligence company. My ability to protect America’s data is evidenced by the fact that I use long passwords for my Hotmail account and have a four-digit PIN code sent by SMS whenever I log in.
In addition, I am very interested in keeping financiers happy. By making this spurious bid, I can ingratiate myself with ByteDance’s bankers. The appearance of a bidding war will help keep them relevant and justify their fees in what is otherwise a government-mandated fire sale.
I can also make my own bankers think I’m a real player, eager and willing to engage in M&A, as a way to get their fresh young recruits to work ridiculous hours at my beck and call to prepare long, detailed PowerPoints, which I’ll never look at. Unfortunately, I don’t have any bankers at this time, but I do have a Bloomberg Terminal (seriously, bankers, MSG me).
Now, let’s be frank. Here are some of the serious reasons why anyone would want ...
In response to recent rumours, started by me, that I’m in talks to purchase the US operations of TikTok, I’d like to clarify. I am indeed interested in buying the hip, viral, short-video service. I’d also like to fly to Mars, cure cancer, or climb Mount Everest. Just as with my bid for TikTok, I have no intention of doing so.
However, I have “held talks” with TikTok. By which I mean I tweeted at them. They didn’t reply.
Despite the fact that I have no money, no operational experience, no management team and even this actual letter being satire, I believe that I now ought to be name-checked alongside Microsoft, Twitter, Reliance Industries and Oracle.
And while I am not American, I am fully qualified to own and operate TikTok’s US business by virtue of me satisfying President Donald Trump’s key criterion: not being Chinese.
My reasons for making this faux bid are as sound and logical as some of the real ones by my rival suitors, so hear me out.
First, I have the technical qualifications. Because I not only studied some Java but have even written code in C (malloc that, Microsoft), I am perfectly qualified to manage and analyse millions of lines of code to ensure no nefarious algorithms are embedded within.
Having taken Andrew Ng’s “machine learning” class on Coursera, I am now fully adept at running an advanced artificial intelligence company. My ability to protect America’s data is evidenced by the fact that I use long passwords for my Hotmail account and have a four-digit PIN code sent by SMS whenever I log in.
In addition, I am very interested in keeping financiers happy. By making this spurious bid, I can ingratiate myself with ByteDance’s bankers. The appearance of a bidding war will help keep them relevant and justify their fees in what is otherwise a government-mandated fire sale.
I can also make my own bankers think I’m a real player, eager and willing to engage in M&A, as a way to get their fresh young recruits to work ridiculous hours at my beck and call to prepare long, detailed PowerPoints, which I’ll never look at. Unfortunately, I don’t have any bankers at this time, but I do have a Bloomberg Terminal (seriously, bankers, MSG me).
Now, let’s be frank. Here are some of the serious reasons why anyone would want ...
